Happy in My Own Skin

When I was little, my weight was never something I (or anyone else) worried about. I was an "average" size kid, all through elementary and middle school.

I'm about 2 years old in this picture.

15 years old

17 years old

During my senior year of high school, though, two things happened: my metabolism changed, and since I was becoming an adult I had more freedom to choose what I ate and when I ate it. So, I gained weight. Quite a bit, actually. In the span of about 6 months, I gained roughly 25 pounds.

My senior prom! Here I was wearing a size 16 dress,
which was about a size 14 in "regular" clothing sizes.

This change REALLY upset my mom. She grew up with a mother who never took care of herself physically, and so my mom didn't have a childhood filled with physical activities that she shared with her mother. She had determined to be different, and she was: my mom is still in amazing shape, even in her 50s. And to see me start down "the same path" as my Nana was very upsetting to her. However, instead of trying to help me, my mom would make very rude passive-aggressive comments that really hurt me. And my dad wasn't much better. I have a distinct memory of him sitting me down with all my other siblings, and telling each of us something that we were doing wrong in our lives. He turned to me, looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jessica, you've gotten fat." And I just burst into tears. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I felt like my parents no longer loved me now that I was "fat."

Does "fat" mean that you can't have any fun? HECK no. Some of my fondest memories are from these years of my life:



I was always the "fattest" friend in my group, but it didn't matter.





In May of 2013 I was diagnosed with ADD and put on medication, which helped with impulse control (mindless eating) and it changed me quite a bit.
Here I am in my prom dress, 3 years later. It fit me much
better after losing all that weight!
Before I left for college that fall, I had lost about 40 pounds.



I stayed at roughly the same weight for a while, and during my marriage I've gained a lot of the weight back. I'm not necessarily happy about that, but I'm also a lot more mentally stable than I was when I struggled with my weight issues 5 years ago. I'm not being hounded by my mother with every bite of food, or worrying that I'll never find someone that loves me because I'm "too fat to love."

 

Right now, I weigh exactly 200 pounds. I know I need to live a healthier lifestyle, but not necessarily to lose weight. Just to feel better about the way I'm taking care of my body. I don't think there's anything wrong with being "fat", as long as you're doing what needs to be done to respect and strengthen the body God has given you.

There are so many things worse than being "fat." And I've chosen to focus on improving myself in areas such as patience, charity, and kindness, because those qualities are more important than what the number on the scale says we are. We are worth more than our weight.